The Unswung Bat

Saturday, February 25, 2006
 
La Montréalisation!

Fie on they what say Montreal is not the fun. But O, though frosty, fun it is! Not only were the days packed with cool times, but I also got a fair bit of writing and story stuff done. In the meantime we saw monkeys and things, visted some bunch of great museums, and I beat modern art in a double-flawless victory and performed the fatality.

I said I got some story stuff done. In fact, in addition to writing more of the story I'm working on now, and getting a better idea of how it's going, I came up with another, very little story that I like very much and is almost done, and this next thing, which is not a story but I am counting it as the fiction requirement for this entry. Interestingly, both it and the "real" piece can be expressed in the form of a field guide.

The Cunning Ninja's Guide To: 16 Uses of a Labret Piercing

  1. Remove the stud and shoot water out of the hole, startling your foes. Cunning!

  2. Fashion a colorful false goatee out of feathers affixed to the labret stud. You are now snappily incognito.

  3. Thread fishing wire through the hole and dangle a small shiny object on the end. You may use this to distract your opponents or to lure especially tiny opponents until they are close enough to eat. It also allows you to play the cup and ball game with your mouth. Do not pull too hard on the string.

  4. Slipping a dog whistle into the socket will let you inaudibly summon hounds to your side. Other possibilities include a bear whistle (for scaring bears), or a duck-call, as useful in hunting as it is in confounding your opponents with the demonic cackling of unseen malards.

  5. Insert a drinking-straw through the hole and drink through it, keeping your hands and mouth free for killing or self-defence.

  6. As a cunning ninja twist on the drinking-straw option, instead insert a blowgun. You can even conceal the darts inside of the feather-goatee. Cunning!

  7. The drinking straw can also be used as a snorkel, conferring instant amphibious capability.

  8. Carefully thread a long handled, small bowled spoon through the hole. This will of course be useless for eating, but allows a behind-the-head catapult attack that will catch your enemies flat-footed.

  9. Another rodlike attachment, a specially prepared elongated pointy stick, can be used to poke people ahead of you in various lines that you will wait in.

  10. Affix a thin chain to the labret stud. This chain can now be used to perform various pulling tasks. Example: mount a crossbow to your shoulder. With the chain attached, you can pull the trigger with a deft twist of the jaw.

  11. As an unforeseeable twist, why not apply the labret piercing to your disabled foe? You may now insert a tracking device, a chain to secure them to a dungeon wall, or, in conjunction with earrings, wire their jaw shut.

  12. Consider embedding a tiny bomb in the hole, that you can expel with sudden pressure to create a distracting explosion.

  13. In Mexico, a certain species of beetle that does not eat or fly as an adult is made into a piece of living jewelery by gluing gems to its carapace. Impressively, the jewelery beetle can live 8-18 months, but must be held on by a ribbon and safety pin to prevent it from wandering off. Tethering one to your labret stud may enhance your image and status in certain parts of the world, projecting an aura of prosperity and command. Cunning!

  14. Research has shown that octopi are highly intelligent. It may be possible to train a small octopus to respond to tactile commands delivered via the tongue, and then thread its tentacles through one or more specially enlarged labret piercings, to perform various tasks including manipulating objects or assisting you in a grapple, as well as creating an intimidating, Cthulhuesque visage that will unnerve your foes. Do not eat the octopus, as it is unconscionable to kill such an intelligent being for food and unhygenic to eat an animal that has died of natural causes.

  15. A small pinwheel may be inserted through the piercing and spun using either the tongue or air blown through a pipe. Combining this with a whistle makes for a delightful spectacle!

  16. There is no number 16, this was all a cunning trick to distract you whilst a ninja maneuvered himself into position. He could now strike at any instant, or simply vanish with the next breeze. This demonstrates that the best use of a labret piercing, like any other tool in the ninja's field kit, is to furnish the element of surprise.

So yes, clearly that was not a story by any stretch of the imagination, but as I understand it, Christ sacrificed Himself to ensure my democratic right to free speech and I intent to use that right. For ninja lists. Originally there were no ninjas involved. In fact I think use #1 was thought up by Dawn many a year ago, and though she is a Tricky one, I don't believe she had apprenticed herself to the art of invisibility. But I didn't have any other particular theme to focus my labret meditation, and examples using ninjas seem to be one of the default modes of communicating on the internet, so I went with the flow and made it ninjas.

What else happened in Montreal? Oh plenty, but that is a story for another day.

Qu'es-ce qui else est passé? Well, apparently me and Michael-Bergmann, whom I've not met but gather is some type of beau, concur on precisely 40% of Gigi's personality. Shnifty. Though I must say "Johari" sounds like the title of one of those dumb movies about board games taking over the real world, à la Jumanji, Zathura, and Super Mario Bros. Man that last one was an awesome dumb movie, though. Trust the fungus!

Also, continuing my practical education, I have learned that according to Article 2, Paragraph 4 of the Berne Copyright convention, a law can be copyrighted. Did you know that? But news articles can't. It's all here in this pamphlet.



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