I'm struggling to live with my limitations, and knowing when to adapt to them, and when to push. Honestly, it's been rare for me to feel any other way but a bit seasick from all that rocking, the past week being a great exception and relief.
I woke at about 8:15 this morning. The sun was already high, and I was tired, disregulated, and had those mental and physical aches and spins of exhaustion. I deal very badly with sleep deficits, even though I'm properly medicated. I've been much healthier since I began working fully remotely and could give myself some extra time to let my body decide when to wake up. But now I've missed the morning and am supposed to wait until past noon, I think, to try again for that balance and peace.
I'm unsure what to do.
"Presumptuous" is the word I've used several times, in a particular context, for the opposite of my timidity. Being unsure of the boundaries of what's acceptable, especially for someone like me, I've chosen many times to err on the side of caution and reserve. I don't want to do that. That is not me. At least, not quite so much for so many things, and not all of me.
The past week, and yesterday especially, felt like being carried a on river as it branched from its watershed down a new course. I'm floating on the same water as before, but it's calmer as though purposeful, and incredibly untroubled by the rocks, rapids, and vortices that seemed inherent to it just a little upstream. I am afraid, from being long accustomed to those hazards, to let my guard down, afraid this gentle part can't last, and that I'll mess it up. I'm really, really unsure.
I try to try my best. I will continue.
Keep your head above water, but let the stream carry you.
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