The Unswung Bat

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Awards Show

And the nothing goes to Leora! And since no one else bothered to write a story, clearly you could benefit from exposure to her special brand of creativity, therefore, at no cost to you, I'm publishing the tale, entitled "Pirate Story," for the world to read here on this global forum.

Pirate Story

By Leora Courtney(-Wolfman)

Personally, I don't think a priate with a nameless
ship is something to LOL about. Oh, no. Pirates are
ridden with a condition not unlike penis envy when it
comes to having the best named ship.

I learned of this in the summer of 1997 when I was
enrolled in a canoe camp. My camp counsellor, who we affectionately called "Walfy" was coincidentally the same pirate you speak about. I always thought he was a bit odd, but never suspected that he was a pirate until I received a postcard from him two years later on the eve of my fiftteenth birthday.

I have since lost the postcard, cause my mom has this
bad habit of recycling everything and anything that
looks like it once was a happy tree branch in rural
British Columbia. I don't know why, but she does.

Alas, the postcard is gone, but the closing statement
of it still haunts me every night of my life.

"Leora, name me boat or I will mail ye a sting ray!"

I was at loss for ideas, but didn't want my 15th
birthday to be a day full of worries, so I sent a wire
across the ocean to him:

"Walfy (stop). I have named the ship Alabaster
(stop). Yours truly (stop). Leora (stop)."

Amazingly, naming the ship "Alabaster" was a turning
point in Dermot McWalfish's career as a pirate. He
left the ship at a warf just off Cambodia so that he
could have nine slaves, none older than eleven,
paint the name onto the ship. Why nine? Because there
are nine letters in the name "Alabaster".

The slaves were neither literate, or fluent in
English, so it took a few days to do this job
properly. During that time, McWalfish wandered the
streets of Kompong Som searching for potential
crew-mates. Late one night at a speakeasy/brothel he
met a young Frenchman named Olivier DesSources who had
been stranded in Cambodia since he was a child when a
cruise ship he was on caught fire and sunk, leaving
him as the only survivor.

McWalfish could not believe what he was hearing! That
same cruise ship was the cruise ship he was searching
for. Legend had it that when the cruise ship sunk,
millions of dollars worth of vintage wine sunk with

Yes, that was the "treasure" he was searching for.
His plan was to sell half the wine and drink the other
half. Then use the money he made by selling the wine
to buy more wine (Maria Cristina though, cause it's

It was a deal. Olivier became McWalfish's personal
bodyguard, both asea and on land.

McWalfish made a good choice. While at sea, they
encountered McWalfish's long lost enemy: Murdoch
McWalSeabass. Murdoch not only had his eye on the
legendary crewship, but he also fancied young
Frenchmen and had a dungeon full of them on his ship.

So what happened? Did McSeaBass kidnap Olivier? Did
anyone find the sunken cruise ship?

I don't know. I haven't heard from McWalfish in a few
years, and I couldn't quite decipher the postcard he
sent me because he was so drunk at the time of writing
it that the postcard was incomprehensible.

A friend just explained his experience watching Kill Bill 2 while dead tired, fighting to stay awake and coming down from a high at half-past midnight. I suggested he do the Passion of the Christ the same way. Nice people. Happy people.

I gotta get my wisdom teeth out. Sucks to that. And to your ass-mar.

This concludes the Awards.

PS: Free Tibet and get out of Iraq.

Stop! Lamatime.

Face it, you really can't touch this.

original site + text contents ©2004 twenty oh four by me called it

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